Today I write to you from a homeless shelter.. having recently lost my job again, I find myself in the same spot I’ve been in before too many times to count.
I’m starting to realize that I’ve been trying to build a life using a broken blueprint.
The Day the Blueprint Broke:
When I was 10 years old, I moved in with my mother—a woman I had essentially just met. Only a year later, my entire life was turned upside down. I told my teacher about something that was happening in my home. At the time, I had no idea what a "mandated reporter" was. I didn't know that my teacher literally had no choice but to call for help.
I remember begging and begging her not to tell. I can remember what it felt like, the fear in my stomach, the scream in my throat, my head is hurting and my tears wont stop piercing my eyes because by the time the school day was over my eyes were burning. Didn't these grown a** people know my step dad was going to kill me when he found out I told? At least, that's what he said he would do. And then my step dad and mom arrived ... just when I thought my tears had dried up... I screamed and ran and hid underneath the counselors desk crying and begging them not to let him in.. I remember feeling like I was about to be killed. - I cant describe the way the fear haunts you even years after the event is over. Just that I would be taking showers and swear I could hear my step dad coming in, any nose I heard could be him and I sit there still and quiet staring at the space between the floor and the bottom of the door just waiting for him to come in and get me. -
Erasure: The Death of the Self
Ignoring a child’s birthday is one of the most potent forms of Psychological Erasure. It is a way of saying, "I regret the day you were born," or "You do not exist to me."
Symbolic Annihilation: A birthday is the one day a year society acknowledges your right to exist. When a mother ignores it, she is practicing "emotional murder."
The Silence After the Betrayal: By calling me a "liar" and choosing never to speak to me again, she erased my reality. She made it so that in her world, I simply don’t exist.
The Long-term Effect: This leads to a deep feeling of "nothingness." It’s why I struggle today with who I am, why I’m here, and where I’m going.
And a huge part of Why I Keep Ending Up Here.
When your "Primary Protector" erases you, you grow up feeling like you are "taking up too much space" just by existing. You might stay in a homeless shelter "too comfortably" because, subconsciously, your blueprint says you don't deserve a home of your own. You spend money the day you get it because you don't believe in a "future" version of yourself.
Rewriting the Script at 25
I am learning that my "ugly attitude" and my impulsivity were just survival tools I built at 11 years old to protect a little girl who was being erased. But those tools don't work for a 25-year-old woman who wants a career, a home, and peace.
I don’t have all the answers yet. I’m still in this shelter, and I’m still looking for work. But for the first time, I know that the "nothingness" I feel isn't my fault—it was a gift from a mother who didn't know how to be one.
If you’re in a dark place today, just know: You are here. You exist. Your truth is real. And we are going to rewrite these blueprints together.
You are here.
You exist.
Your truth is real.
Why She Sided with the Abuser (Betrayal Trauma)
It is devastatingly common in abusive households for a mother to call her daughter a "liar" when she reports a stepfather. This usually stems from:
Internalized Misogyny: Some women are conditioned to value their status as a "wife" or "partner" above their role as a mother.
Self-Preservation: Admitting the truth would mean her life has to change—she might lose her home, her partner, or her stability. To avoid that discomfort, she "deletes" the truth by attacking the messenger.
Envy: In toxic dynamics, a mother may see her daughter as a rival for the male’s attention, leading her to ignore or even facilitate the abuse.
The "Mother Wound" in Daughters
For daughters, the mother is the first mirror of what it means to be a woman and a human.
Relational Trauma: When that mirror is distorted and hateful, it can lead to Complex PTSD (C-PTSD).
Hyper-Vigilance: You likely spent your childhood "scanning" her mood to survive, which can lead to high anxiety in adulthood.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: RESOURCES
1. Essential Books for the "Daughter Blueprint"
These are often considered the "bibles" for women who were unloved or scapegoated by their mothers.
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride.
Why it helps: It breaks down the "internalized mother voice" and gives a 5-step recovery program.
"Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life" by Peg Streep.
Why it helps: Focuses on the "unlearning" process—how to stop believing you are "ugly" or "unlovable."
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson.
Why it helps: Explains why your mother was unable to connect with you and how to protect yourself from her lack of empathy.
"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk.
Why it helps: Essential for understanding how the trauma of your childhood (and your stepfather’s abuse) is physically stored in your nervous system.
2. Specialized Online Communities
Finding others who were also "scapegoated" can help remove the toxic shame that makes you feel "different."
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (DoNM): A website and community specifically for daughters. They have a massive library of "red flags" and survival stories.
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA): Offers a "Survivor to Thriver" program with meetings for adults who experienced abuse and neglect.
Out of the Fog: A website and forum for people who have family members with personality disorders. It helps you clear the "FOG" (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).
Reddit Communities: *
r/raisedbynarcissists: A massive support group for children of toxic parents.r/CPTSD: For those dealing with the long-term nervous system effects of childhood trauma.
3. Therapeutic Approaches to Look For
Since your mother's rejection was so aggressive, traditional "talk therapy" might feel slow. Look for therapists (specifically in San Diego or via telehealth) who specialize in:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Highly effective for the specific "flashback" memories of being called a liar or being threatened.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helps you "meet" that 10-year-old version of yourself and give her the birthday/love she never got.
Somatic Experiencing: Focuses on releasing the "frozen" fear in your body from when you were living in that house.
4. Immediate Support & San Diego Local Aid
If the weight of these memories feels overwhelming today, please use these free lifelines:
RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline): 1-800-656-HOPE. They are experts in the betrayal trauma that happens when a parent doesn't believe a child.
The Center for Community Solutions (San Diego): They provide local support, counseling, and legal advocacy for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. (Website:
ccssd.org
This is a deeply vulnerable and authentic post, and many women will see themselves reflected in it. While early neglect can create harmful cycles, acknowledging this does not excuse the behavior, but it can serve as powerful motivation to become the person your mother was unable to be and, in time, to mentor others who have endured similar experiences. What matters most is understanding that external opinions do not define your worth; your sense of self must come from within. You are the captain of your own life, shaped by what you believe and choose to become, and you should never allow someone limited by their own failures to diminish you. The greatest response is not confrontation but success, growth, and self belief, reaching a place so strong and accomplished that they will regret deeply knowing that had they been present, they would have shared in the fruits of what you built entirely on your own.
ReplyDelete